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Apart from asking us “how young is too young for Facebook?” Justin and I often work with parents who have other questions about household rules they should have in place related to their child’s use of technology. We first state that parents should provide their kids with access to these devices a little bit earlier than they think they should. The key is that THEY are the ones who introduce the technology (rather than initially learning about it from friends). By way of example, they can give their child a phone and state that for the first month, they can only call Mom and Dad. When the second month begins, they can start texting Mom and Dad.

Parents should also show their child the cell phone bill after each month so that they can begin to understand how much the service costs in order to develop fiscal responsibility at a young age. At the beginning of the third month, they can start to call and text one or two friends. Parents should gradually provide more freedom and responsibility (within limits, of course) and keep assessing how their child is handling those freedoms. They should take a step back, if necessary.

Conversations should be continual about cell phone use and abuse. Feel free to employ our Cell Phone Use Contract as well to set agreed-upon parameters for the family (such as those mentioned in our Top Ten Teen Tips for Cell Phone Safety). Try to cultivate balance and well-roundedness so that interacting and socializing on these devices does not become too much of a distraction from studying, sleeping, and other essentials. Finally, reinforce positive behavior and choices – perhaps with an iTunes gift card, or another technology-based reward (like enabling picture mail – as long as you can review the contents of their phone whenever you like and have had an age-appropriate conversation about sexting!).

Do not hesitate to sanction them when you see problematic behaviors, attitudes, or outcomes.  For example, if school grades go down, or diligence in household chores goes down, their use of electronic devices should consequently be reduced. We also suggest that parents require their teens to keep their cell phone in a designated location after a certain hour (say, 9pm). Some “cut-off” point should be identified where youth are done for the day in their technology use. This, however, is not a foolproof way to prevent technology misuse, which we will explain in the near future.

New Jersey’s updated bullying law took effect today amid controversy and confusion.  The New York Times recently reported on the law and I have received numerous calls from folks interested in my take on certain provisions.  Bullying and cyberbullying legislation has been the topic of much discussion on this blog, and regular readers know that we see a place for evidence-based, fiscally supported state legislation that helps clarify school responsibilities and provides them with the tools to better manage bullying and cyberbullying incidents.  We haven’t seen the perfect law yet, and New Jersey’s iteration is not it either.

New Jersey’s law seems to focus much attention on accountability – not on holding the bully accountable, but making sure school officials take certain actions expeditiously.  There are a series of requirements in the law that designate a very tight timeline for school actions:

• Principal must investigate incidents within one school day of witnessing or receiving a report of bullying
• Investigation must be completed within ten school days
• Results of the investigation must be sent to superintendent within two school days of completion
• Results must be reported to the board of education at the next scheduled meeting
• Parents need to be informed of investigation within five school days of board notification
• Parents may request a hearing of the board, which must be held within 10 days

The impetus for providing a detailed paper-trail and strict timeline for dealing with each incident likely comes from parents or student targets who feel as though their reports of harassment have been ignored, but holding schools to such a firm schedule will prove challenging.  And depending on how each school interprets the definition of “bullying,” staff could quickly become mired in a bureaucracy and be forced to spend more time on paperwork than actually problem solving.

In fact, an interesting aspect of the language in this law is that it explicitly includes single incidents which traditionally would not have been considered bullying:  “‘Harassment, intimidation or bullying’ means any gesture, any written, verbal or physical act, or any electronic communication, whether it be a single incident or a series of incidents…”  Clearly it is important to address all forms of harassment, even one-time incidents, no matter how minor, but to require schools to formally document every single case could easily overwhelm them with paperwork.

The law follows the pattern of other recent state legislation (see our analysis of New Hampshire’s law) in adding language that incorporates off-campus behaviors that substantially disrupt the learning environment at school.  This seems to be one of the most controversial aspects of the law even though nothing has really changed with this.  For decades the standard has been that any behavior, whether on campus or off, that substantially or materially disrupts the learning environment at school is subject to the school’s authority.  This was originally articulated in Tinker v. Des Moines in 1969 and several subsequent Supreme Court cases have applied this precedent to numerous incidents where schools disciplined students for off-campus speech or behavior.  States have simply tried to codify this so that the standard is more widely understood.  This law does not require teachers to police the Internet, but it does insist that they respond when reports of cyberbullying that are disruptive to students at school are made.  Since most schools are already doing that, the only significant change is the amount of documentation that is required within a very short period of time.

In general, much of the provisions in the law are actually positive, and again most schools are already doing many of the elements included.  The major problem is that no money has been allocated to pull any of this together.  For example, each school needs to designate an “anti-bullying specialist” and each district needs to name a “bullying coordinator” (contact information for these folks must be listed on the school’s web page).  Since no resources have been provided to schools to hire actual specialists, these duties will no doubt fall on staff who may or may not have expertise in bullying prevention and response.  Moreover, schools are now required to provide training to staff and volunteers, but information is lacking regarding evidence-based training programs or curricular enhancements.  Therefore, many schools will be forced to create an ad-hoc program or pay for someone to provide programming that might not be effective or informed by research. These mandates are coming at time when schools in New Jersey and across the United States are laying off teachers and essential support staff left and right.  If New Jersey and other states really wanted to send a strong message that bullying prevention and response is a priority, then they would provide resources for schools to implement these policies and practices effectively.   Until then, the new law is only a bunch of words on paper.  Complete details of the law are available here.

Given the prominence of several high-profile incidents in recent months, cyberbullying has been all over the media. As a result, parents, educators, and other youth-serving adults are looking for information to educate themselves about this problem. Even though cyberbullying may seem fairly new to many, a core group of researchers and Internet safety advocates have been exploring this problem for years and therefore have a unique, empirically informed perspective to offer. Even before much of the recent attention on cyberbullying, Sameer and I came up with the idea to approach these experts and invite them to contribute a chapter for a cyberbullying book. We identified a hand-picked selection of contributors who we feel best understand cyberbullying issues and are widely recognized as authorities on this topic. In addition to these select experts, we wrote two chapters (one summarizing the current state of the research and another directed toward school-based law enforcement officers. Our vision was to collect in one text all of the major issues adults need to be aware of with respect to cyberbullying identification, prevention, and response. The result is our new book: Cyberbullying Prevention and Response: Expert Perspectives, which will be in print on June 24th, 2011.

We hope that Cyberbullying Prevention and Response: Expert Perspectives will serve as the definitive guide to assist you in addressing the ways teens misuse technology to cause harm to their peers. This book voices the views and experiences of the best and brightest youth online risk professionals in the United States. The knowledge and resources shared in this book are guided by research, but presented in an accessible way that will be useful for all who work with teens. What is more, they can be considered some of the “best practices” currently known regarding preventing and responding to cyberbullying. We hope that you benefit greatly from what is shared throughout the following chapters:

Table of Contents
1. A “Living Internet”: Some Context for the Cyberbullying Discussion, Anne Collier
2. Cyberbullying: An Update and Synthesis of the Research, Justin W. Patchin and Sameer Hinduja
3. Cyberbullying and the Law, Nancy Willard
4. Youth Views on Cyberbullying, Patricia Agatston, Robin Kowalski, and Susan Limber
5. Cyberbullying: How School Counselors Can Help, Russell Sabella
6. Empowering Bystanders, Stan Davis and Charisse Nixon
7. You Mean We Gotta Teach That, Too? Mike Donlin
8. A “Toolbox” of Cyberbullying Prevention Initiatives and Activities, Jenny Walker
9. Responding to Cyberbullying: Advice for Educators and Parents, Elizabeth K. Englander
10. School Law Enforcement and Cyberbullying, Sameer Hinduja and Justin W. Patchin
Appendix A: Select Cyberbullying Curricula, Lesson Plans, and Materials
Appendix B: List of States with Bullying and Cyberbullying Laws

As a pre-publication promotion, the publisher (Routledge) is offering a 20% discount on books ordered through their Web site. Just enter the discount code “ERJ60″ after the book is added to your shopping cart. If you would like to place a bulk order of this book, let us know and we can get you an even deeper discount! As always, we appreciate any feedback you have about our publications and resources. Don’t hesitate to drop us a note to tell us what you think.

This is a common question I receive from many parents: “At what age should I give my child a cell phone or allow them to be on Facebook?” Of course this is not an easy question to answer since every child is different and parents themselves are probably in the best position to determine the most appropriate age. That said, I usually advise parents to think about allowing access to certain devices or web environments a little bit earlier than they might think is the right time. The issue really is that parents need to be the ones who introduce the technology to the child, not the youth’s peers. If parents wait too long or try to convince themselves that their child has no interest in Facebook, then odds are good that the child will learn about the site from a friend and set up a profile without the parent’s knowledge.

I recently spoke to a teacher who is a parent of a 5th grader who asked my opinion about whether her son should be on Facebook. I told her that it probably wasn’t a good idea. It is a violation of Facebook’s terms of use, and agree with them or not, parents shouldn’t encourage their children to break the rules. Thankfully there are many other emerging sites that are designed exclusively for tweens, such as togetherville, which interfaces with Facebook. Admittedly, it is difficult to get younger social networkers excited about these alternatives since “all of their friends are already on Facebook.”

And some data suggests that they are right: Consumer Reports recently reported that as many as 13% of Facebook’s American users are under the age of 13 (about 7.5 million kids). And half or more of the students I speak to Facebook hasn’t completely ignored their rules, however, as they reportedly remove tens of thousands of under-aged youth every day. Of course if a user lies about his or her age when setting up the profile, it is very difficult for Facebook to know whether someone is underage so they rely on reports of violators.

This leads to another question I get: “If I see a person on Facebook who I know to be under 13, should I report the user?” This too is a complicated question. My response used to automatically be “yes.” If they are violating the rules, they should not be on the site. I have tempered my response a bit in recent months, informed by insights from colleagues, educators, and Internet safety experts. In general, whether or not to report an under-aged user depends on whether you have a concern about them being on the site—based on what you know about the user and/or what you see on his or her profile. If you are worried that their activities on Facebook could lead to significant social, educational, physical, or other problems, then you have an obligation to report (to the site or the youth’s parents, or both). If you see a 12-year-old whom you know well who is on the site and they have their privacy settings adjusted so that all of their information is protected to the maximum extent possible, perhaps it isn’t necessary to report the user. You still might want to take the person aside and talk about some of the concerns you have (posting too much personal or identifiable information, meeting someone in real life who they only know online, including gossiping or harassing content, etc.) to encourage him or her to continue making good decisions about their online activities. As Larry Magid, tech journalist and internet safety advocate points out, changing the rules to allow younger users on Facebook would create opportunities for the site to incorporate protections that just aren’t in place when kids lie about their age. This is certainly a perspective that should be considered.

Overall, parents should provide gradual and guided access to technology. Maybe, for example, you give your son a cell phone at age 10, but to start the only persons he can call are mom and dad. After a couple of months if he demonstrates appropriate behaviors you can add selected others. Then add texting. Show him the cell phone bill every month so he knows his contribution to the family expenses. Stress that the phone is a privilege that can be taken away with misuse. If he makes a mistake, take a step back. If he is texting at the dinner table, explain to him why this is unacceptable. If he is talking to friends all hours of the night, confiscate the phone for a while. I suspect that if more parents were actively involved in encouraging the responsible use of technology, even at a relatively young age, there would be fewer and less serious problems later in their adolescent lives.

I received an email from an educator who attended a recent presentation.  She asked if it is advisable for the parents of cyberbullying victims to contact the parents of the cyberbullies to try to resolve the situation.  This can be a very tricky proposition.  In theory, this seems like a very good approach and for many parents can be an effective strategy.  However, victims of any form of bullying are usually terrified by the prospects of this idea.  They believe that confronting the parents of the bully will only make matters worse.  And it certainly can, if the conversation is not approached delicately.

The problem is that some parents confronted with accusations that their child is a bully or cyberbully may become defensive and therefore may not be receptive to your thoughts, ideas, or any formal or informal intervention.  They might immediately put up a “wall” and become incredibly defensive. The key here really is to protect the safety of your bullied child.  As a parent about to have this conversation, first carefully weigh the various factors at hand and take into consideration the “totality of circumstances” as the courts like to say.  Do you know the parents?  How receptive do you think they would be? Is the bully a former friend of your child? Have there been problems in the past? Will you as a parent have to deal with collateral damage in other social situations, if you and the parent of the bully interact in other environments?

Sameer has heard of an instance where the father of a bully “got back” at the father of a victim by embarrassing him and picking on him in front of their other friends during their weekly softball games. Of course, middle-aged male softball players sometimes demonstrate exaggerated masculinity and work to display bravado and primitive strength in a collective setting. The pointed “elbow-ribbing” and tongue-in-cheek comments made the father of the victim feel ostracized and emasculated, since all of the other men all believed his own son should have been able to handle himself like a “real man” instead of tattling to “daddy.”

Also, if the students attend the same school, it is probably a good idea to inform the administration of the situation so that they can monitor the interactions at school to make sure there is no retaliation.  Moreover, I have found that school counselors are among the best at handling relationship problems and can offer advice about how to deal with what is going on.  They are often willing to intervene quietly in a way that stops the harassment without unduly instigating the bully or his/her family.

Because each situation is different and clearly complicated, it is difficult for me to say with any certainty that confronting the parents of the bully is a good idea.  All I can say is that if you choose this approach, be sure to tread lightly and keep in mind what life was like when you were a teenager.  Also consider how you would feel if someone confronted you about the behavior of your child.  It is easy to say that you would listen calmly and respond appropriately, but would you?  That crazy “do onto others” rule might apply to our behaviors as adults just as much as it does to what our children are doing.