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Justin and I have just written a new fact sheet on Sexting, based on requests that we have received and feedback from previous blog posts. It first provides a definition we’ve crafted, and describes the phenomenon for the layreader. Then, we discuss two major cases that made national attention before reviewing the current state of research. Here, we have shared new numbers from our most recent (Spring 2010) data collection endeavor, and have broken participation down by age and gender. If you’re interested in other distributions, please let us know and we can run the analysis for you. By the way, we’ll further flesh out our sexting data in a forthcoming manuscript.

After summarizing existing studies on the problem, we detail informal and formal responses – particularly from legal and political authorities – and describe what schools can do as it relates to policy and response efforts. Finally, the fact sheet suggests some practical prevention strategies that educators can implement to reduce the occurrence and perceived acceptability of sexting among students. To note, we’ve previously discussed the role of multidisciplinary response teams here.  Definitely let us know your thoughts about this new fact sheet – we are really interested in hearing them!

What should you do if your child bullies others online? Elizabeth Englander, our colleague at the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center, provided an excellent response to this question in her answer to a parent who commented on the recent New York Times article. First of all, parents need to approach this problem like any other: with a calm and clear head. If you are angry (which you most likely will be at first), take a step back and revisit the issue when you have calmed down a bit. This won’t be the first time your child disappointed you or acted in a way that demands a corrective response.

It will help matters if you are familiar with the technology that your child is using. If your child is on Facebook, then you should have an account on that site as well, and ideally be their “friend.”  That way, you can see everything they are doing and intervene when necessary before some issue escalates to the point where it is out of control.

I want to point out here that yes, some teens do have two (or more) Facebook pages – one for their parents, and another for their friends. We have heard arguments that this greatly confounds the ability of parents to know what is going on. I would say in response, though, that a parent who pays basic attention to the “Activity Feed” on their child’s Facebook Wall should easily be able to tell if that profile page is the primary one. Based on the content and posts that are shared by (and with) your son or daughter, you should be able to spot if the profile page with which you are “friends” is the one and only one that your child uses.

“I need to remember that they might not always be the victim but the perpetrator. That is the true test of parenting. Defending your child because you want to believe everything they tell you when there could be little bits and pieces left out to avoid the wrath of Mom or Dad.”
Mother from Minnesota

I have been recently thinking a lot about behavioral theory, and how certain actions are reinforced or deterred. As we all know, there are consequences for every behavior – both positive and negative – and teens need to understand the negative repercussions that go hand in hand with the misuse of technology. In parenting circles, there has been a lot of discussion about “natural and logical consequences.”

A natural consequence is something that naturally or automatically occurs as a result of a behavior (without human intervention). If a teen puts his hand on a hot stove burner, he will get burned. If a student does not study, he will get poor grades. These can be very powerful learning experiences.

However, there are some natural consequences that are simply too high a risk. For example, a teen who drives drunk may get in an accident and end up killing someone. For these kinds of behaviors, it is better to preempt the natural consequence by utilizing a logical consequence – one that is directly related to the potential risk involved. We don’t want our teens to drink and drive, and so if they exhibit risky behaviors associated with alcohol then we might need to take the car away for a while or have them visit car accident victims in the hospital. For maximum effect, the logical consequence should occur as soon as possible after the behavior (since natural consequences are often immediate). It is essential that your teen is able to clearly link the punishment to the behavior.

The same approach can be used when disciplining our teens for inappropriate online behaviors. If they are making hurtful comments about others on Facebook, get them to take a break from Facebook for a few days. If they are sending nasty text messages, then they should lose their cell phone privileges for a while. Be sure to explain why the behaviors are inappropriate and demonstrate what some of the natural consequences could be (harm to the target, damaged online reputation, etc.).

Just like we wouldn’t sentence all minor law violators to capital punishment, there should be a continuum of consequences commensurate with the harm (or potential harm) caused. It doesn’t make sense to completely remove all technology for an indefinite period for anything but the most egregious infraction. Adults have to realize that just one weekend without use of a cell phone would be like corporal punishment for most teens. Therefore, the consequences should be reasonable and dependent on the circumstances. And be sure to stick with it. If your child does not learn from their mistakes and continues the problematic behavior, the punishment needs to be increased.

In general, parents need to carefully think through their response to cyberbullying – whether their son or daughter is the target or the aggressor. It takes time and energy, but it will be well worth it in the end.

In a recent New York Times article, reporter Jan Hoffman aptly and comprehensively articulated the challenges associated with responding to cyberbullying incidents.  Schools don’t want to overstep their legal authority by responding to off-campus behaviors that don’t directly impact the school; law enforcement officers aren’t going to get involved unless there is a clear violation of a specific statute; and most parents simply don’t know how to approach these problems.  In the article, Hoffman describes the dilemma faced by the father of a sixth grade girl who received sexually-explicit threats from a classmate via her cell phone.  He wanted the school to do something about it, but they refused, invoking the oft-cited mantra: “not on school time, not a school problem.”  Of course, most educators realize that cyberbullying left unchecked will eventually become the school’s problem.  The father didn’t want to contact the parents of the sender of the cruel messages because he thought it would be too awkward.  Well, as most parents know, there are a lot of awkward activities that come with the duties of being a parent (talking to them about sex immediately comes to mind).

The key with this type of conversation is how you approach it.  Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, addressed this issue head-on in her blog last week.  It is extremely important, as Wiseman points out, to avoid being confrontational and accusatory.  The parent of the accused bully will automatically be defensive, and nothing productive is likely to result.  How would you feel if a parent of your child’s friend showed up on your doorstep accusing your child of being a bully (and, by extension, challenging your ability to be a good parent)?  Wiseman provides an illustrative script that parents can learn from (and use) when contacting others about their child’s inappropriate behavior.

That said, contacting the parent of the bully isn’t necessarily always the best and only approach.  We definitely suggest parents of cyberbullying victims contact and work with the school.  They may not take formal action against the aggressor, but they need to be aware of the issue so that they can protect your child while he or she is at school.  And since counselors and other administrators are often trained to deal with various forms of interpersonal adolescent aggression, they may have some useful strategies for you to use.  Sometimes the simple act of a principal or counselor confronting the offending student and telling them to knock it off will be enough to resolve the problem.  Skilled counselors can do this in a way that doesn’t jeopardizing the psychological or physical safety of the target.  Indeed, all a victim of cyberbullying really wants is for the behavior to stop.  And most are afraid that if they tell an adult it will just make matters worse.  In our most recent survey (February, 2010) fewer than 25% of recent victims of cyberbullying told an adult about the experience.

“My friend and i have 3 cyberbullies. They would would call us randomly on their phones and not leave us alone. They would also text us really mean and bad things, like they called us lezbians and something else really bad. Yesterday i was watching a movie and she called me 2 times and i said stop. Then she kept texting me so many mean things that i wanted to throw my phone against the wall. I told my mom and she called her. My mom told her that she wanted to talk to her parents and the girl hung up. After that the mean girls texted me, wow you can’t fight your own battles! Now my friends mom and my mom are doing anything they can to stop this. My mom is worried this is going to carry on into middle school.”
- 11-year-old from Michigan

It is also important for targets of cyberbullying to keep all evidence.  We recommend keeping a journal or a diary which describes in as much detail as possible what happened, who was involved, where it occurred, who was told and how they responded.  You need to establish a timeline of events so that if the behaviors do escalate to the point requiring formal action, the evidence is there.  It is also easier to explain to the parents of the bully the nature of the situation when you can show them the actual messages sent, comments posted, or web pages made.  Of course, any time your child is threatened with physical harm that seems to be a credible threat, contact law enforcement immediately.

Next week we will revisit this question from the perspective of the parent of the cyberbully.  In many ways, it can be even more challenging when dealing with a teen who is the aggressor.

I was featured on *Audio Ed* to discuss in detail how administrators, teachers, and staff can prevent and respond to cyberbullying among school students.  Please click here to download and listen (8 minutes, MP3 file).  Justin and I are passionate about training and working with public districts as well as private schools to meaningfully inform and educate youth, parents, and educators on this topic.  Please let me know if you have any specific questions about what I shared in this interview – I would be more than happy to flesh out my thoughts further.  Also, please check out our Top Ten Prevention Tips and Top Ten Response Tips for Educators for a quick and concise summary of what I discussed.

A colleague of mine recently posed the following questions after listening to my recent interview on Wisconsin Public Radio:

Q:  If a student were bullying someone & claimed they had the right of freedom of speech to say whatever they want, how would you respond?

Q:  If a public official felt they were being bullied & threatened by constituents who claimed right of freedom of speech to say what they wanted, what would you say?

I thought others might be interested in my perspective, so I post my response here. Freedom of speech is an important issue and it is vital that we protect that freedom.  We have the right to say a lot of things in the United States.  But we don’t have the right to threaten, harass, intimidate, or otherwise mistreat someone.  Moreover, even though the Supreme Court famously said that students ‘do not shed their free speech rights at the schoolhouse gate’ (Tinker v. Des Moines, 1969), they also said that the rules are different at schools for educators who have a responsibility to maintain an appropriate and safe learning environment at school (see, for example, Bethel School Dist. v. Fraser, 1986).  So it is easier to restrict student speech at school than student speech away from school.  Of course this creates many problems from a cyberbullying standpoint to the extent that much cyberbullying occurs away from school, but clearly could significantly affect the school.  There are many legal questions that remain unanswered or have been answered differently depending on various lower court rulings.

As you probably know, for many purposes, teachers are considered public officials.  But the key to your second question is the nature of the speech.  Again, Americans have the right to criticize public officials (including students criticizing teachers).  They simply must do so in a responsible and respectful manner.  From a school perspective, if a student criticizes a teacher in a manner that results in a material and substantial disruption at school, then the school has the authority to formally discipline (they always have the right to informally discipline—calling parents, meeting with principal, etc.).  So a student is free to post on his Facebook page that ‘Mr. Smith is a bad teacher.’  But if he does so in a way that is disruptive at school, discipline could result.  Of course irrespective of the ability of the school to intervene, the target of the criticism could sue the bully civilly for harassment or intentional infliction of emotional distress or libel or something else if he chooses.  It is unclear how a judge would respond to this – I imagine it could vary widely depending on a lot of circumstances.

It is not completely clear how these broad principles would apply to a student criticizing (bullying?) another student.  It’s even muddier in the context of cyberbullying.  The same disruption standard would generally apply—at least for a school to discipline the bully, but I’m not aware of any case law that has addressed this question specifically.

So the bottom line is schools are different and treated as such by the law.  That doesn’t mean that everything is cut and dried, though.  What do you think?  Should educators be able to discipline students for their harassing speech at school?  What about away from school?