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Advice to Teen Girls about Bullying and Drama

Article posted by in February 12, 2013 at 1:24 pm.
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I was recently asked to write a guest blog directed towards teen girls and related to issues of harassment and bullying online and offline…and so I wanted to share it with our readers.  It has a very conversational tone, and reflects what I want to convey to this population as they navigate the difficult waters of adolescence.  I would love to hear your thoughts!

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Even though I’m a guy, I’ve been asked to write a guest blog about teen girls and some of the nonsense they have to deal with – both offline and online.  I appreciate this opportunity; I speak to tens of thousands of youth in schools each year about some of the social and relational stuff that affects them.  We call it different names, and each of these words means different things to different people.  I don’t love the word “bullying” because youth don’t really use this word as often as adults.  But it could be that.  It could be really obvious, like someone coming up to you at school and knocking your books to the floor, or shoving you into a locker, or just getting in your face and screaming at you…but we find that girls have to deal with stuff that is a lot more subtle.

For example, we see and have to deal with a lot of drama…just ridiculous things that come up – whether it is gossip, or sexual rumors, or simple sarcastic comments that actually hurt.  Like talking behind your back. Or not including you on a Facebook Event invite.  Or excluding you in other ways and just making you feel not welcome, and like you don’t belong. Unfortunately, people say things without thinking, and spread stuff that isn’t true, or that only paints a partial or one-sided picture of a situation.  And people can text or post comments or pictures online about you that shouldn’t be posted.  People can just hate on you for no reason…except that maybe they are struggling with their own problems, or dealing with their own insecurities and issues and they simply don’t know how else to cope, except to be a jerk to someone else.

It’s messed up.  But it happens daily.  And maybe you think to yourself, I can’t let this bother me.  I gotta shrug it off.  Haters gonna hate.  Their opinion of me shouldn’t matter.  But honestly, what is our reality?  Our reality is that is *does* matter.  It just does.

We want people to like us.  We do. We want to feel like we belong, we want to feel like others want to get to know us, want to hang out with us, want to date us.  I mean, growing up we are already so insanely aware of our own flaws and imperfections – whether it is the shape of our nose, or our skin complexion, or our body type, or our hair, or our family situation, or what we can afford.  And we are super hard on ourselves as it is – and have such a difficult time finding anything valuable and beautiful about who we are, and who we are becoming.  The last thing we need is for others to point out our flaws, and broadcast them to the rest of the student body.  The last thing we need is others possibly thinking the worst of us, because we already have such a hard time believing the best about ourselves.  It’s just rough.  I think you can understand, because I feel like we’ve all been there at some point or another.   And as much as we want to push it into a corner of our mind so it doesn’t affect us as much, the hurt sometimes seems to take over our world.  I know sometimes I felt like I just never wanted to go back to school again…never show my face again…never get back online again.

The thing is, we have to try – over the course of years and years – to get to a point where our identity isn’t completely wrapped up in how others perceive us.  And this is so hard.  Most adults haven’t gotten to a good place with this yet.  But we know our own feelings and emotions and opinions – we can’t fully trust them.  They change all the time.  That’s how it is for everybody.  And if our identity – who we know we are – is constantly dependent on what other people are saying about us, it is going to be a really rough life.  You won’t ever fully “own” who you are.  You’ll be at the mercy of catering to the thoughts and feelings and opinions and pressures and demands of others.  And this is an awful way to live.

You have got to get your identity from something stable.  Something unchanging.  Something that can tell you who you are, where you can believe it and be forever sure about it.  And then, when you can get that into your heart, fully and truly, you can live your life out of it.  And then life honestly becomes so much better.

And when you see the hate or drama happening to others, when you see girls being mean to each other in the lunchroom, or hallway, or on Instagram, or Twitter, or Tumblr, or Facebook, or via Group MMS…how do you deal with it?  I know we are hesitant to do anything, and say to ourselves we should mind our own business and stay out of it.  Or we hold back because we don’t want to be the next person harassed.  Or we don’t want to be known as a rat or narc.  And sometimes it’s hard to know exactly what to do.  The thing is, we know deep down what is wrong and what is right.  We know we wouldn’t want to be treated a certain way, but sometimes we let it happen to those around us.  And we shrug it off.  But you hear the stories about those who are targeted and mistreated.  Some of them feel there is no other escape other than taking their own life.  Others wrestle with serious psychological and emotional problems because of it.  Still others try to cope by harming others, or harming themselves (cutting).  It’s kind of a big deal.  I think you get that.

Bottom line, we have to step up.  I know we’re nervous, or scared, or hesitant for a million reasons.  But we have to push through that.  So many stay silent and just let the hate continue.  But if you want people to be drawn to you, if you want to be popular for the right reasons, do something that sets you apart.  Don’t stay silent.  Intervene at that moment, despite your hesitation.  Or go talk to someone who can help (like an adult you trust) afterward.  If it’s happening online, formally report it as “abuse” to the site or social network, and help the person to use the privacy settings or blocks or filters to control who is able to message them or post to their profiles.

Most of the time, teens who are targeted feel paralyzed, and feel like they don’t have a voice. You can be that voice.  I know when I was being mistreated growing up, I would have *loved* for someone to step up for me.  And if you’ve had to deal with drama, or bullying, or threats, or anything like that, I’m sure it would have made things easier for you if someone would have done something.  Even as little as being an encouragement to you and showing love to you.  Even that matters…the smallest things can make a huge difference. And intervening on someone’s behalf shows that you truly care for them.  We all need that sometimes – probably more than sometimes.  This can be invaluable in helping overcome the pain that was caused.

The first time you step up will be the hardest.  Kind of like anything we try to tackle in life.  Anything worth doing is going to be difficult.  You know how it is.  But I hope you take that chance to do the right thing.  And start to build a habit of it.  And in time, people will take notice.  And you’ll have set an example, and you’ll have held to a standard.  And in time, people will be drawn to you because you’re not like everyone else.  This is how people differentiate themselves from everyone else, from the masses.  And have amazing lives – lives that rise above all of the stuff that wants to hold us down.

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Catfishing as a Form of Cyberbullying

Article posted by in February 7, 2013 at 12:41 pm.
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“Catfishing,” at least in the online world, refers to the practice of setting up a fictitious online profile, most often for the purpose of luring another into a fraudulent romantic relationship.  The Urban Dictionary defines a “catfish” as: “someone who pretends to be someone they’re not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.”  So, to “catfish someone” is to set up a fake social media profile with the goal of duping that person into falling for the false persona.  And if this has happened to you, you my friend have been “catfished.”

Of course people have been falsifying information online for decades and users have been putting fake information on social media profiles at least since MySpace launched in 2003, probably before.  This became more widely known as catfishing after a 2010 documentary film highlighted the real-world ramifications of online relationships.  In late 2012, MTV launched a reality TV show to capitalize on the interest in this activity.

A few weeks ago Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o became the poster child for catfishing when he was the apparent subject of one’s online angling.  As a public figure, with a prominent social media footprint he was a prime target.  Te’o developed an online relationship with someone he knew as Lennay Kekua.  It is difficult to know how deep the relationship was, but he did refer to her as his “girlfriend” and mentioned repeatedly that he loved her.

Te’o amassed a wide following when it was learned that his grandmother and girlfriend (Kekua) died on the same day early in the 2012 football season.  As a Michigan State football fan, I became interested in the Te’o story because his inspired performance during his first game after the deaths led to a crushing defeat of my beloved Green and White. Soon, it seemed, much of America was watching Te’o and the Fighting Irish.

While it has been confirmed that his grandmother did in fact die, his girlfriend did not. Media investigations revealed that she had never existed in the first place.  In mid-January the sportsblog Deadspin broke the story that Kekua was a fictitious online persona created by a friend of Te’o's.  From the information we currently know, it appears most likely that Te’o was an unsuspecting victim, though some question his innocence and suggest this was all just an elaborate publicity stunt. In a statement released to the media, Te’o has maintained that he was a target: “To realize that I was the victim of what was apparently someone’s sick joke and constant lies was, and is, painful and humiliating.”  Whether a victim or a co-conspirator, the Te’o tribulations have led to renewed interest in a form of cyberbullying that has been perpetrated against others for many years.

Catfishing as Cyberbullying

Misleading another on social media with the intent to cause harm is not new.  In 2006, 13-year-old Megan Meier began an online relationship with a boy she knew as Josh Evans. For almost a month, Megan corresponded with this boy exclusively online because he said he didn’t have a phone and was homeschooled.  One day in October of that year, Megan received a message from Josh on her MySpace profile saying “I don’t know if I want to be friends with you any longer because I hear you’re not nice to your friends.”  This was followed by bulletins being posted through MySpace calling Megan “fat” and a “slut.”  After seeing the messages, Megan became distraught and ran up into her room.  A few minutes later, Megan’s mother Tina found her daughter hanging in her bedroom closet.  Though she rushed her daughter to the hospital, Megan died the next day.

Six weeks after their daughter’s death, the Meier family learned that the boy with whom Megan had been corresponding never existed.  Josh Evans (and his online profile) was created by Lori Drew, a neighbor and the mother of one of Megan’s friends.  She created the profile as a way to spy on what Megan was saying about her daughter. Drew was eventually acquitted in federal court for her role in Megan’s death.

Another, more extreme example, is the case of Anthony Stancl, a New Berlin, Wisconsin, 18-year-old who in 2009 impersonated two girls (“Kayla” and “Emily”) on Facebook.  He befriended and formed online romantic relationships with a number of boys in his high school (again, while posing and interacting as these two girls).  He then convinced at least 31 of those boys to send him nude pictures or videos of themselves.  As if that weren’t bad enough, Stancl – still posing as a girl and still communicating through Facebook – tried to convince more than half to meet with a male friend and let him perform sexual acts on them.  If they refused, “she” told them that the pictures and videos would be released for all to see.  Seven boys actually submitted to this horrific request, and allowed Stancl to perform sex acts on them, or they performed sex acts on him.  He took numerous pictures of these encounters with his cell phone, and the police eventually found over 300 nude images of male teens on his computer.  He was charged with five counts of child enticement, two counts of second-degree sexual assault of a child, two counts of third-degree sexual assault, possession of child pornography, and repeated sexual assault of the same child and received a 15-year sentence in prison in early 2010.

Misrepresenting Yourself

Anytime someone uses technology in a way that causes repeated harm to another, it can be classified as cyberbullying.  Setting up a fake online profile and communicating with someone for the purpose of tricking them into developing a romantic relationship – only to break up with or otherwise harm them – is wrong.  It also violates Facebook’s terms of service: “You will not provide any false personal information on Facebook, or create an account for anyone other than yourself without permission” and “You will not bully, intimidate, or harass any user.”

That said, some people use pseudonyms or alter-egos online to safeguard their identity.  There are a lot of legitimate reasons for doing this and as long as your behaviors do not hurt others, or mislead them in a way that causes harm to them, this is probably just fine. It really comes down to intent: Are you masking your identity to protect yourself or to cause harm to others? It is one thing to be protective of your real identity for personal privacy reasons, but it is another thing entirely to create an alternative identity for the purpose of humiliating, harassing, or hurting someone else.

Some might argue that catfishing is harmless Internet fun and that people should know better than to enter into any significant relationship with another person they only know digitally. It is true that people need to take care not to put themselves into situations where they could fall for someone who doesn’t really exist.  However, that does not make it OK to use technology to mislead someone, and leads to a “victim-blaming” mentality that gets us nowhere.  To be sure, everyone needs to be skeptical and cautious when entering into online relationships.  Those who do should consider using Skype, Facetime, or some other video-chatting service that will allow you to see and interact in real-time with the person you are communicating with. You should be suspicious if the other person continues to be hesitant about wanting you to see them in real life or online.  Also, don’t give out too much personal information, especially early on, and never go by yourself to meet someone in person who you only know from online. Go with a friend – or better yet a group of friends. They can protect you if something turns out to be not what it seems.

It is easy to be blinded by feelings of affection, especially when someone is giving you more positive attention than you have ever gotten from anyone else before.  Just remember to stop and think about the possibility that someone might be taking advantage of you and proceed with the utmost caution. As they say, if something (or in this case someone) seems too good to be true, it probably is.

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Fake Memorial Pages on Facebook, Pranks, and Cyberbullying

Article posted by in January 9, 2013 at 10:53 am.
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Canadian Cyberbullying Educator and Speaker Lissa Albert has been looking into the phenomenon of Fake Memorial Pages on Facebook, and whether these should be construed as simple, harmless pranks – or if they can be a form of harassment and, ultimately, cyberbullying with the significant potential for emotional and psychological harm.  We wanted to make sure our readers knew what was going on, and of course provide them an opportunity to weigh in.  As such, I asked her to write up her perspective and findings, which is below.  Feel free to contact her with any followup!

Prank: (noun) A practical joke or mischievous act.

What is a prank? The dictionary says it’s a “joke.” Or a “mischievous act.” One would think pranks are not serious. However, in this day and age of technology, pranks are fast becoming ways to harass, torment, and cyberbully people online.

Take, for example, a recent story published on Buzzfeed. The story was originally (alarmingly) written with instructions on how to “kill your Facebook friend.” The author gave easy instructions – step by step – for turning a Facebook page into a memorial page. In 2009 Facebook introduced the ability for friends and family to memorialize the Facebook page of a user who dies. What happens is that the page is converted into a memorial page and deactivated from normal updates; this prevents friends from getting alerts about the deceased user. It also allows friends and family to preserve the page without having sensitive information online (contact information, for example) and prevents any new friend requests.

The problem with this is that anyone can request a Facebook account become a memorial page. When the user tries to log into their account, they get the following:

Account Inaccessible:

This account is in a special memorial state. If you have any questions or concerns, please visit the Help Center for further information.

The above-mentioned article gave explicit instructions as to how to do that. All that is needed, other than the user’s name and email (often displayed right on the page) is proof of death; this usually takes the form of a URL to a death notice, funeral home, anything that would “prove” the user is dead. For purposes of the article, the author faux-memorialized a colleague. She searched for an obituary with her colleague’s name. The death notice she chose did not remotely match up with the user she was going to memorialize for her experiment. In her own words:

The details of this obituary don’t match up at all – this guy is way older, and lives in Nebraska instead of New York.

Even worse, the names aren’t even spelled the same: he’s “Herrmann” (double R, double N) whereas the John I’m killing is “Herrman” (double R, single N)

(Note the inflammatory language she uses for her experiment)

She showed how easy it is to do this without needing much verifiable proof.

The original article included no instructions as to how to reactivate one’s account – only that “if this happens to you, it is easy enough to get your account back.” Perhaps due to a letter written to the author and a comment left on the site, the article was amended to include two “warnings”:

“WARNING: Don’t do this. It’s at the very least a pain in the ass for your friends.”

and a new title that is less inflammatory but still enticing enough:

How Almost Anyone Can Take You Off Facebook (And Lock You Out)

with the following in the subtitle:

Getting your buddy’s Facebook account turned into a “Memorial” state is surprisingly easy — and locks them out of Facebook. Warning: this will seriously mess up someone’s account.

Frankly, that kind of “warning” is all that may be needed to encourage a potential cyberbully.

The amended article also provides instructions for recovering one’s account. In fact, it is not easy at all for the user to recover the account. The original source for last week’s story (Rusty Foster) had it happen to him, and it took over 27 hours to get Facebook to reactivate him.

In researching further, I found out that this is not the first time a false memorial site has been requested. In 2009, Simon Thulbourn was unable to log into his Facebook page, receiving the notice that it was now a memorial account. He subsequently found out that the obituary used to convert his page didn’t even pertain to a deceased person with his name; rather, the reverend performing the service at a funeral was someone with a name similar to Thulbourn’s. It is obvious that whoever it is turning pages into memorials as per the forms filled out is not even checking the data properly to ensure that the memorial is truly accurate. It took a blog entry that he wrote and publicized describing his experience for Facebook to finally reinstate him as an active (live) user.

Facebook has not changed its process since 2009 when the method was first introduced. Users get no email nor do they get any way of confirming that they are alive (a time-sensitive email sent to the original email would be a perfect failsafe; if the user fails to respond within a set time, their page is memorialized. A live user would obviously respond).

Facebook released a statement in the recent case of Rusty Foster:

“We have designed the memorialization process to be effective for grieving families and friends, while still providing precautions to protect against either erroneous or malicious efforts to memorialize the account of someone who is not deceased,” the statement reads. “We also provide an appeals process for the rare instances in which accounts are mistakenly reported or inadvertently memorialized.”

(The old “asking for forgiveness instead of permission” approach should not be used in this case)

A big part of the problem is that this story has been publicized in the news and on social media, but the bigger problem is a site dedicated to what they call “social news” providing step-by-step instructions for how to “kill” a user on Facebook without their knowing it. And without their ever being able to prevent it.

How is this cyberbullying? Consider this: The adults who were locked out were discouraged, annoyed, and even angry. But imagine a kid, a teen, someone who may already be experiencing incidents of bullying at school, cyberbullying online – or both. Imagine that kid finding out s/he has been locked out of their Facebook account because s/he is ostensibly “dead.” As we know all too well, someone in an already-battered state of mind and diminished self-esteem can easily be pushed to the edge of despair. And at the very least, the article – which shows gross irresponsibility in its almost gleeful tone and step-by-step cyberbullying instructions – provides a new way for would-be cyberbullies to begin harassing new or favorite targets.

Cyberbullying happens all the time, and the last thing we need is new and more in-depth ways of helping those who bully. As adults, we need to model responsible online behavior. Aside from adults in a kid’s life, journalists, websites, and social media sites must provide positive examples of how the online world can be used and not expand the repertoires of bullies and tormentors.

When Simon Thulbourn’s account was converted, he had no access to his home page on Facebook. He received a screenshot from some friends who showed him how he was getting mock “Rest in Peace” messages. Imagine a kid who is now not only locked out of Facebook but is probably receiving those types of messages from the person who has created this situation and others who have joined in. We have seen the tragic reality of teenagers who have taken their own lives; we’ve seen the horrific postings of denigrating comments about those teens right on their own Facebook pages posthumously, as well as the recent example of Amanda Todd’s YouTube video and the terribly abusive comments she received after death. She never saw them but her family did. A target of this “prank” is easily the target of abusive comments on his/her own Facebook wall. And that teen will see the comments, which can only serve to further lower an already-damaged self-esteem.

As one of the key elements of cyberbullying is that it is repeated behavior, the potential for cyberbullying in the form of hurtful comments on a fake memorial page is significant. The loss of one’s Facebook page through the willful, hurtful actions of another is the first step to this form of cyberbullying, but add to that the comments the user will see when the account is reactivated, and the results could be unspeakable.

It is always sad when someone dies but it is potential cyberbullying when someone is memorialized as a “prank.” Perhaps the author of said article will heed the repeated request to take the story offline. But as it’s been up for at least a week, damage may already be done. Perhaps Facebook will finally put into place proper measures of verifying memorial page requests as well as sending warning letters to users who are about to lose access to their pages. In the absence of either of those things happening, let’s be vigilant and continue to discuss the results of such “pranks” with our youth.

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Anonymous Reporting for Bullying and Cyberbullying Incidents

Article posted by in November 29, 2012 at 10:06 am.
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Justin and I strongly believe in the value of anonymous reporting systems in schools.  Based on our experiences working with students across the nation, we have found that they want to speak up and let adults know what is going on (both offline and online), but they are very nervous that it will end up backfiring on them.  They don’t know who specifically to go to, they don’t want it to lead to them next being targetted, and they don’t want to be identified and considered a “tattletale” or “narc” or “rat.”

 

Students appreciate when anonymous reporting mechanisms are implemented and provided for them, and these systems greatly benefit educators who need to know what is going on outside of their immediate purview.  In addition, at least 11 states require that schools allow anonymous reporting by students of bullying.  These states have seen their value enough to formally compel their use.

 

I have been working with Assistant Principal Ryan Brock over at Lewis Middle School in San Diego, California for the last couple of years, and one of the reasons we’ve kept in touch has to do with anonymous reporting.  I thought it would be encouraging for our readers to learn of his story, which we’ve featured below.  Everyone seems to be looking for a “best practice” to help stem the tide of peer mistreatment and victimization; as you’ll see, this is one that truly seems to bear much fruit.

 

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The process of adding a bully report form to our school web site began during a talk given by Dr. Sameer Hinduja at the University of San Diego a couple years ago. Dr. Hinduja painted a picture of students that are dealing with interactions that they have not been prepared for and in many cases unable to proceed toward resolution. Our school, like every school is heartbroken but the all too often accounts given by children who say that aid came too late or that they felt compelled to change schools rather than deal with what feels like an impossible situation. In many cases, these middle school students do not have the background experiences to know how to handle a difficult situation and in a few cases do not have a support system at home.

 

It became clear that we needed to provide an anonymous means for students to report an incident that was available when they are available and accessible to all because the “Bully Report” drop boxes have been ineffective. The solution we chose was an online form on our school website. The form is not exactly anonymous meaning that it does record the sender’s IP address, but from a student’s perspective this does not seem to be a deterrent and no student has ever asked about that aspect of the submission process.

 

The form we use has provided a simple and effective means for students to report incidents that they are not comfortable reporting in person. We designed it to be simple but include the critical questions that would allow for documentation of a crime as well as remain comfortable for a student to complete. We shared the form via our weekly announcements, through a message sent home to parents and through assemblies. It has also become a common occurrence to ask a student to take their verbal account of an incident and redirect them to use the online tool. This allows for thoughtful reflection and documentation.

 

In the year since implementation of the form we have had around 144 submissions with around 3 false reports. While this has been a tremendous number of reports for a school of 1,100 kids we believe that the time spent in follow up and investigation is well worth the payoff of having student feel safe at school. In fact, the number of reports has been manageable and have also lead to more prevention than punitive action.

 

These reports range from online harassment in cases where students have sent threatening messages on Facebook to cases of students asking for money during our lunch period on a daily basis. The most typical submissions are reports of name calling or “he kicked me” during class time in which the student does not report the issue to the teacher. The majority of submissions have been legitimate instances where a student needed support in dealing with a difficult situation and require only a small amount of time to investigate and provide support. These forms of support include mediation between students who have had a disagreement, increased supervision during lunch periods to deter other students from demanding money, changing the direction of on campus cameras to observe acts of bullying during lunch or parent contact to notify families that their student has been sending threatening messages via Facebook.

 

A recent example of a report we received included a young man who reported the following:

 

1. I am a:
Student

 

2. During this incident I was a:
Victim

 

3. What is your name? (optional)
[No Answer Entered]

 

4. What grade are you in?
7

 

5. What is the name of the student you would like to report?
[Redacted]

 

6. If you do not know the name of the student, please describe the person.
[No Answer Entered]

 

7. Where did this incident take place?
In class

 

8. Please describe the incident.

 

[Redacted] has annoyed me and he always nocks down my backpack from the back of my chair anytime he walks my also he mocks me when i tell him to stop annoying me

 

9. Were there witnesses to this incident?
No

 

10. What are the names of the witnesses?
[No Answer Entered]

 

11. Please rate the severity of this incident from your perspective, 1 being minor incident but unacceptable to 5 being major incident, could result in retaliation or violence.
Severity: 3

 

12. Please describe the frequency with which this type of incident occurs.
On a regular basis

 

13. How do you feel about this incident or person? (Examples: they are annoying, I hate them, I want to hurt them, they don’t make me mad I just want it to stop…etc)
I hate him and all of his bully friends and feel as if I have to do something physicaly to them to stop this so if you don’t solve this it might just come to that

 

14. Did this or other incidents make you feel like harming yourself or others?
Yes

 

15. Would you like to speak with a counselor?
No

 

16. What else would you like us to know about this incident? (optional)
Stop this now him and his friends they all bully my friends ans I at lunch and it needs to stop now and if you guys can’t do anything it might just come to the worst. ps. If you find out who this is don’t say anything to me at all or I won’t be able to trust the staff and will have to solfe things myself

 

This was a clear case of bullying and an instance in which intervention could prevent a possible instance of violence. This report allowed the school a chance to intervene and stop this cycle of behavior and prevent a retaliatory fight or worse. Our approach with this issue was to share the report with the student and encourage him to reflect on the impact of his behavior. Like so many other aggressive students, this behavior stemmed from other students bullying him.  To this day we give the student personal reminders to be considerate of others and to report further instances of bullying.

 

I would imagine that any reader who has made it this far is really attempting to make a decision about whether this approach is right for their school. To this person I would say that this approach is not only important but I believe that it is completely necessary. We have all been in a situation where we were caught between the consequences of calling for help and the consequences of suffering in silence. In most cases, this simple online tool offers a path to safety that does not include the consequences from either path previously available. As educators, we enter this profession motivated by our love for young people and our desire to see them succeed.

 

An example of Lewis Middle School’s Bully Report can be found here.

 

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Justin and I hope this has been helpful and even empowering to you, as you consider the value and utility of an anonymous reporting system for bullying incidents at your own school.  We’d love to hear of your experiences and any feedback you’d like to give, and we also want you to know that we are here to assist in any way we can.

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Nice it Forward

Article posted by in October 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm.
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There appears to be a growing movement among teens to, well, be nice.  Or at least a movement to actively use social media to say nice things about others.  We are all familiar with the myriad of ways that technology can be used to cause harm; this blog is dedicated to working towards limiting those behaviors and experiences. Some students, though, are now working to counteract all of that negativity by marshaling the power of technology to do good.  Specifically, a number of teens have set up social media accounts, mostly on twitter, for the primary purpose of saying nice things about others at their schools.

The push to “Nice it Forward” seems to have been started by Kevin Curwick, a high school football player from Osseo, MN (a suburb of Minneapolis).  Using his twitter handle “@OsseoNiceThings,” Curwick quite simply tweets nice things to his followers about his school and classmates:

“Probably the nicest girl ever. She’s fun to be around and loves to smile. A great adapted soccer and hockey player.  Chelsey Gunderson.”

“Always has his heart in the right place and is doing his part to keep the kindness alive! Joe Tiedeman.”

“The best break dancer at Osseo. He’s the guy to go to for just about anything, especially a laugh. Billy Lor.”

The idea is catching on, not only around the Twin Cities metro area in Minnesota (@ERHSnicewords; @EdinaNice; @MinnetonkaNice) but at numerous schools around the United States @TerraceNice; @GNHSNiceThings; @kentwood_nice).  For example, a student at a school near where I live recently launched an account (@CamNiceThings) in response to two twitter accounts that were anonymously feeding negative information about the school (the hurtful accounts have since been removed, thanks at least in part to a student who condemned them on Facebook).

I really love this.  Sameer and I have long advocated for getting students involved in activities to prevent bullying and for empowering teens to do their part to develop a positive climate at their school (see this fact sheet with some ideas to get them inspired).  It reminds me of the Pink Shirt Day movement that started in Canada over 5 years ago when two Nova Scotia teens wanted to do something to combat the hurtful comments that were being directed toward a freshman who wore a pink shirt on the first day of school.  Instead of directly confronting the bullies, the seniors bought 50 pink t-shirts and encouraged their classmates to wear pink to school the next day.  Talk about a strong message of support for the targeted student. And as far as I can tell, no adults were involved in the execution of this simple yet effective idea.

That also appears to be the case with the Nice it Forward movement. Teens from around the country are stepping up, even without the prodding of adults, to show their classmates that bullying is not cool. The media might have us believe that the majority of teens are bullies and even though our research clearly shows that isn’t the case, it is helpful to see teens take visible steps in their schools to illustrate that the bullies are in the minority.  “Nicing” it Forward, so to speak, sends a message to those who are being targeted for bullying that they are not alone and that at least some students at the school are on their side and appreciate who they are and what they do.  Everyone has value.  But it also implicitly encourages everyone in the school community to be nicer to each other.  Students are demonstrating that it is cool to care. And that, my friends, is cool indeed.

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